New Year, Fresh Start

As 2008 dawns, I find myself in a place I didn't expect to be – back in Vancouver. Yes, I have moved back to the west coast.

It has taken me a few weeks to be able to write this post. I have had to overcome a fair amount of fear, actually – fear of whether I was making the right choice, and fear of how it would be perceived by others. But as I sit here in my new apartment, I'm feeling ready to make the official annoucement.

It's been a very interesting process for me. I spent just over 6 months in Toronto, and I actually kind of fell in love with the place. The people, the vibe, the music scene, the diversity, the many interesting neighbourhoods, and especially the whole community at the Centre for Social Innovation. But even as I was enjoying so much about it, I knew deep down that I wasn't fully committing to the place. I never changed my drivers license, for instance. I never switched to the Ontario Health Plan. (I should have – unlike BC's, it's free.) And most of all, I never managed to land myself a place to live that felt permanent. This last piece became a bit of a vicious loop. Because I didn't have a real "home", I didn't feel like I was really able to commit to Toronto. And because I wasn't really committing, I think, I never managed to manifest a place that made me want to stay. I felt like a temporary resident, and it got exhausting.

In any event, I left Toronto at the end of November, knowing I would be out west for at least a month, between going on retreat, and the holidays with my family. I put my stuff in storage and I took off, trusting that the answer would come clear. I was equally prepared to go back to Toronto in January and really put my heart into finding a place, or to accept that I needed to move back out west.

Of course, the answer did come clear. (Five days of silence will do a lot like that.) I was offered an affordable one-bedroom apartment in Vancouver (a rare specimen indeed), with almost no effort on my part. And that, combined with the fact that I am intending to participate in a remarkable learning opportunity in Berkeley over the next 2 years, just made it seem like the most obvious thing to be west-coast based for now.

It's been an interesting experience, moving back! Here I am in a city that I thought I never wanted to live in again, at my very least favorite time of year. I could quite easily start to second-guess this decision, but instead I feel pretty clear. (Actually, i'd be lying if I didn't admit that I spent a couple weeks freaking out and checking Craigslist in Toronto for apartments, panicked at the thought of dealing with Vancouver winter. Thankfully, most of that doubt has passed.) I will miss many things about Toronto, and I don't want to be in Vancouver forever, but it's funny when you just get the knowing that a decision is the right one. That knowing, when it's deep enough, can override all kinds of resistance in the mind.

So there's the news. I am not totally sure what this "new" life in Vancouver looks like, but I look forward to finding out. Happy New Year!